Why am I here?

Why am I here? This is the question that has been bothering me for a good one hour. But then I think to myself, “You should have done this before, you know?” This is probably to convince myself, but I had always planned to write, probably to explain myself to those who don’t understand me. It’s not common, for a person like me to write. The question is, what do I mean by a ‘person like me.’ Obviously I don’t know what others really think of me, but I have a fair idea. I’m one of those few people.

When you meet me, you’ll think that I’m that I’m just one of those ‘cool nerds.’ Then as you get to know me, you’ll realise that I’m not a ‘nerd’ at all. When they see me pulling of all the ‘shit’ that I’m not supposed to, they say, “Oh fuck, this guy is not a nerd” I’m not a nerd, or a geek, or a book worm. I’m just someone who does whatever I want (or what my university applications need me to). I like to enjoy myself and sometimes I get pretty irresponsible, but at the same time I’m super responsible the night before my exam. It’s hardly any compensation for the irresponsibility but then, I fair pretty well. Yes, I’m kind of intelligent, and I know it, and I’m relying on it (for my future) but I don’t match up to my ‘potential.’ All my teachers say, “Your son has done well but he’s just so playful that he can’t meet his potential”

That’s the problem with me, you see? I’m just bloody irresponsible. And do you know what the worst part is? It’s that I know I’m capable of being responsible and that I have to be very soon, but I just don’t want to be! (Only if my father read this. We share a dream of me conquering the world. And no, he doesn’t know about my irresponsibilities). But leave my father out of the equation, I have a nearly impossible dream for myself and I know that I require a lot of dedication and hard work for it (I forgot luck there). Anyways, that’s not the point here.

Problem Number 1. What happened here, is that from telling you about what I think I come off as, I’ve come to tell you who I think I am. And through all the years (not many) of reflecting, I can now acknowledge the saying, ‘You are what you think of yourself’ (or whatever it was).

Problem Number Two. It’s very important to me, what others think of me. And according to me, “You are what others think of you.” And I’m just so convinced by myself that I never do things that might get people to not like me. People like me, and I like it like that (I’m imagining you saying, “no shit, bro”). This brings me back to where I was. ‘Person like me’ would probably not be what I think of myself or what people think of me, but it is what I think people think of me. And through all the reflecting, I had just concluded that what I think people think of me is basically what I think of me.

Problem Number Three. I know I like writing. I have always planned on writing and I’m not shocked by the fact that I’m writing right now. What this means is that when I said ‘a person like me,’ I didn’t actually mean what I think of myself because if I know that I want to write and that I’m doing it right now, I wouldn’t have said that. So maybe ‘what you think of yourself’ and ‘what you think others think of you’ are two very different things, even though I had just agreed with the contrary.

Let’s go back to the most important question. Why am I here? I’m not here because I had planned to write or because I’m bored. I’m here because no one knows who I am and no one will judge what I’m writing by what they think of me. I’m here because I feel that I get to know myself better when I write (even though you might be utterly confused about what I wrote in this case).

I just finished going through this again. And now I can conclude that you can never figure out what others actually think of you for sure, but you can realise who you are, that is, what you think of yourself. And if you like yourself, then I guess you’ll be just fine.  Anyways, my point is that now I know why I’m here and you know what? I like it here.